Caramels

Go to the FPH, or any other place where kids hang out. Wait until the end of October.

If you are right-handed, unwrap the caramels right to left with your left fingers. If you are left-handed, do it all the opposite. If you are ambidextrous or ambitious, or just don't use fingers, or your hands are dirty, use your teeth.

Suck until dissolved. Chew if you can't wait to . . .

. . .repeat.

Krayps

Now, if I called them "crepes" you wouldn't know what I was talking about, and I would be pretentious because I don't call them that either.

These are krayps. You beat an egg. You add a cup of flour. Then one and a quarter cups milk. Then some salt. You whisk for all you're worth. Now you have smooth krayp batter.

Melt some butter in a heavy pan, and when it's so hot that water sizzles, pour in a couple tablespoons of batter and tip the pan around so the batter spreads out. (You can also spread it around with the back of a spoon.) Cook until it's set--maybe 45 seconds. Turn and cook for a few more seconds so that side is cooked to.

Pile them as they're ready in that crock pot with the cover (yes, you have one, it's in the corner cupboard). Fill it with sweet things. Fill it with savoury things.

If you don't want eggs, milk, or butter, I swear you can use egg replacer, rice milk, and oil. I'm not French so this doesn't bother me.

The thing about this is you have to stand over the batter the whole time, which makes it much easier to ignore socializing (while still looking hospitable) and put off other things.

Bircher Muesli: or, Fridge Oatmeal

Oatmeal like I describe it below is good and all, but there is a lower-brain way to do it.

You can soak oats (quick or rolled) overnight in water, milk, soy milk, rice milk, or juice, and it will soften them up to the point where it makes great cereal. Throw in some raisins, flax seed, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, or roasted nuts. In the morning, stir in chopped fresh fruit, maple syrup or honey, or coconut.

It's cheaper than dry cereal, faster than oatmeal, and more filling than either (with no fat if you don't add nuts or seeds or coconut).

And it can leap tall buildings in a single bound.